Documents recently discovered in Lincoln, Nebraska, reveal that Dicruelius Cheneyus, the vice Prefect of Judea and an ancestor of former vice President Dick Cheney, personally supervised the interrogation, torture, and crucifixion of Jesus Christ in the year 33.  This astonishing fact was accidentally uncovered by a researcher hired to assist in preparing a book for Cheney due to be released in late 2009.  The researcher has since been fired and her computer and notes impounded.  However, she agreed to disclose everything to this reporter, an old college friend, exclusively for Straitjackets Magazine.  The reporter also drew on all the usual sources including the Synoptic gospels, the Acts of Pilate, and the Gospels according to Peter, Nicodemus and Edward to put this story together.

The researcher struck gold when she opened an old trunk buried under a half dozen quilts in the attic of a neglected farmhouse about ten miles outside Lincoln. She uncovered a treasure trove of memorabilia, drawings and documents.  Included were autobiographies written by various Cheney men dating back over two centuries.  Most of the documents were written in languages the researcher did not understand, but not all.

At the bottom of the pile of was a piece of animal skin, thick as cardboard.  It was covered by faded but still legible handwriting. It was signed “Dicruelius Cheneyus, Vice Prefect for Judea.”   It turns out the researcher is also a Latin scholar and she recognized the language immediately. She was so fascinated she couldn’t stop herself from reading what was written on the animal skin, but her supervisor saw what she was doing and told her to “drop everything and get out.”  Next morning she was summarily dismissed from her job and warned that “bad things will happen if you ever talk about what you’ve seen.” 

She was in shock for a few days but then became angry over her treatment and called this reporter.  After securing a promise of anonymity, she repeated everything she remembered from the autobiography of Dicruelius Cheneyus. As a bonus, the researcher handed over a copy of a sketch (included) she found in the trunk with the autobiography and which she hid on her person before she was kicked out of the attic.  The original sketch is also done on animal skin and the researcher believes it could have been made during the actual crucifixion by a Cheneyus aide (the sketch is unsigned).  It shows Jesus on the cross with Dicruelius Cheneyus by his side.

Scientists from Isaac Newton to the present put the date of Jesus’ death as Friday, April 3, 33, during the reign of Tiberias Caesar.  The day before his death, Jesus had been arrested by Roman soldiers and taken before the Jewish Sanhedrin.  They passed him on to Pontius Dubya Pilate, the Roman Governor of Judea.  Pilate sent him to the civil administrator, Herod Antipas, who returned Jesus to Pilate. Cheneyus was sitting with P Dubya Pilate when they received word that Jesus was back.  Pilate was not pleased.  “Way I see it, this thing shoulda been handled by the high priests or that Herod guy.  It’s a local issue.  Jewish thing.  Am I right?”

“Big time, Mr. Prefect.  They passed the buck,” Cheneyus said.  “Couldn’t handle the pressure.  Always leave the tough cases to us Romans.”

“Well,” P Dubya said, “it’s a heckuva  mess, Cruelio, that’s what it is.  Gotta be keerful,  justicious.”

“That’s right, Mr. Prefect, judicious.  But at the same time you gotta be tough with this guy, show ‘im who’s boss,” Cheneyus said.  “Jesus is the leader of a bunch of left-wing nut jobs.  They actually think he’s a god, like Jupiter, can you b’lieve it?  Some are calling him the king of the Jews.  Can’t have that.  Could be big trouble for the Empire.  Make us look bad in Rome.  Gotta interrogate him, get him to talk and give up his whole gang.”

             “Trouble is, the guy hasn’t done diddly,”  P Dubya said.  “No crime.  Just a preacher and a kinda magician.  He’s a pacifier,” Pilate said.

“You mean Pacifist,” Mr. Prefect, Cheneyus said.

“S’what I said.”  P Dubya thought for a moment.  “Well, I’m the decisioner.  S’what I do.  I make ‘em.  So, here’s the deal.  I say we give this Jesus a flogging, make a big deal out of it so everyone knows, then when things quiet down we shove him out the back door.  Case closed.”

“Good plan, Mr. Prefect,” Cheneyus said, “flogging part’s real good.  Draw some blood.  But how about we interrogate the guy while we have him, get valuable intel.  I’ve handled guys like this before.  Little torture and he’ll spill his guts.”

“You do a heck of a job, Crueli,” P Dubya said, so I’m gonna let you take it from here.”  He stood up.  Right now I’m gonna wash my hands and order up some real Italian pizza.  Where’s my slave with the water bowl?” 

Cheneyus went downstairs to the cell where Jesus was being held under Roman guard.  It was Cheneyus habit to avoid personal contact with the prisoner.  He would typically give instructions from an adjoining room or while watching from a hole in the wall. Cheneyus told the captain to have Jesus stripped to the waist and stretched out flat against a wall with his hands and feet fastened.  Cheneyus, standing just outside the cell, had the captain tell Jesus that they would go easy and release him with just a cursory beating if he would provide the names and locations of his four brothers, James, Joseph, Simon and Judas.  Jesus ignored the captain so the flogging commenced.  After twenty lashes, Cheneyus told the soldiers to stop and ask again where his brothers could be found, but they received only silence. 

Cheneyus ordered the soldiers to switch to iron-laced whips and swing with “multus fortius” (maximum force).  After forty lashes large swaths of skin were torn away from Jesus’ back and his spine was visible.  The walls were covered with flesh and blood.  The two soldiers administering the flogging were exhausted and begged their captain to end it.  The captain looked toward where Cheneyus was concealed.  Cheneyus swore at the men but called a halt.  They cut Jesus down and left him alone on the ground in the small cell. 

A few hours later, Cheneyus instructed the soldiers to go to the palace courtyard and cut branches from the Egyptian rose bushes growing there.  “Get the thorniest ones you can find and make a crown for our king,” he snarled.

 

 

 

 

 

A little later, Cheneyus watched from around the corner as two soldiers pulled Jesus to his knees and the captain asked where his brother and disciples were hiding.  Jesus still would not speak.  Cheneyus gave a thumbs down sign.  The captain placed the crown of thorns atop Jesus’ head and, using two pieces of wood, pushed down as hard as he could causing Jesus to fall forward.  Blood streamed from many cuts. Jesus said nothing. After several tries Cheneyus threw up his hands.  He told the captain to prepare a cross.  It was time to enhance the interrogation further.

At dawn, Jesus was pulled to his feet. Blood was roughly wiped from his eyes so he could see.  Cheneyus, through the captain, continued the questioning.  He threatened to have Jesus’ wife Mary and his mother Mary and his two sisters arrested and brought to the cell.  “Tell him we’re gonna let the soldiers have ‘em right in front of him if he doesn’t open up.” 

No response.

Cheneyus had the soldiers shove Jesus outside and show him the cross.  “Tell the prisoner that we’re gonna crucify his whole family, including his kid, if he don’t start cooperating.”

Again, silence. 

Cheneyus was beside himself.  “It ain’t over yet.  Time to take it up a notch,” he said.  He pointed to two soldiers.  “You guys make the prisoner drag that cross all the way across outside the city to Calvariae Locus.”  It was one of several sites the Romans used for crucifixions.  “I’ll meet you there.”

Decruelius Cheneyius wrote that he chose Calvary as the site of execution because it was on a small hill and provided easy visibility.  Cheneyus took the rest of the soldiers and walked ahead of the slow-moving procession to the top where he could watch as they approached.  He planned to arrest any suspicious men who showed up. To his dismay, only a few women walked alongside Jesus for a short way then disappeared.  Neither Jesus’ wife nor mother was among them.

            The crucifixion proceeded.  Jesus was nailed to the cross and the cross was fitted into a wooden slot, then a wedge pounded in alongside so it would remain upright.  Cheneyus stepped forward.  He had risen to great power through cleverness and the power of persuasion.  Known as the greatest sycophant in Judea, he brought all his skills to bear as he spoke in soft but urgent tones to the suffering and nearly comatose man on the cross.  He praised Jesus, he threatened him, and he lied to him.  He told Jesus that the soldiers had arrested his mother, wife, and son and were raping and abusing them as he spoke.  Only Jesus could make them stop.  Jesus did not even look in his direction.  Finally, his head slumped forward and he appeared to pass out.  When Cheneyus had the captain of the guard pierce Jesus’ side with a lance, his eyes opened momentarily and Cheneyus made one last plea.  Jesus mumbled words but gave no names or places, and died without even a glance at his torturer. 

Back at the palace, P Dubya Pilate had received an urgent message from Tiberias.  The Emperor had heard that Jesus was a magical healer.  He ordered Pilate to bring the magician to Rome at once to cure his ailments. 

When P Dubya heard of the crucifixion he was furious.  “Damn Cheneyus to Hades,” he muttered.  “Him and his enhanced interrogation.” He summoned Cheneyus to his throne room.  “What the Sam hill happened, Crueli? You were supposed to ask a few questions, flog the guy, and kick him loose.  I didn’t say anything about killing him.”

“I know, Mr. Prefect, and that’s what I was doing.  But the guy wouldn’t talk and, well, things went a bit too far and we lost him.”  He shrugged.  “Shit happens, you know?”

“What I know is you screwed up big time and now it’s my ass in a sling.  What am I gonna tell the emperor?  I gotta go to Rome empty-handed and explain that we killed the magician who coulda cured him.  Tiberias ain’t gonna like it one bit.  And it’s all because you couldn’t follow simple instructions.”

“Salvus populi suprema lex” (the safety of the people is the supreme law),” Cheneyus said.  “Jesus was a terrorist, an enemy of the Roman state, the worst of the worst.  Besides, there hasn’t been a peep from his followers since,” he smirked. “I think we’ve seen the last of them.”

“Bullcorn,” P Dubya shouted.  “Jesus was a librul and a pacifier, nothing we couldn’t handle, but you’ve turned him into a big-time martyr.  They could build a whole religion around this Christ.  You really blew it this time, Crueli.” Pilate dismissed Cheneyus and stripped him of all the powers and benefits of office, cutting him off completely.

Cheneyus was alarmed.  It was one thing to lose his job but without his personal Roman guard who would protect him from Jesus’ brothers and disciples seeking revenge?  He wasn’t safe in Judea.  Cheneyus gathered his son Cruelito and embarked on the next ship for Rome. 

Pilate was right.  Within a year, the crucifixion of Jesus became the cornerstone of a new religion.  Paul of Tarsus, a Roman Jew, taught that Jesus was the son of God.  He said Jesus permitted himself to be crucified as an act of redemption for man’s sins.  Most importantly, Paul welcomed all people to become Christians, whereas formerly all Jesus’ followers were Jews.  Christianity spread rapidly. 

Cheneyus, meanwhile, had returned to Rome and found employment as a lobbyist for the Jupiter Foundation, a conservative think-tank dedicated to the preservation of Roman values and religion.  Since Cheneyus was one of the few Romans who had actually seen and dealt with Jesus, none questioned his anti-Christian diatribes.  The Jupiter Foundation made sure Cheneyus was heard far and wide.

In 37, Tiberias died and Caligula, who Cheneyus had assiduously cultivated, became emperor.  Caligula banned Christianity under penalty of death.   

Cheneyus left the Jupiter Foundation and became CEO of the Helioburtus corporation.  He obtained an exclusive franchise from Caligula for Helioburtus to provide “all manner of wild beasts to be used in the execution of enemies of the Roman State”.  Cheneyus was often seen in the Emperor’s booth at the coliseum in Rome watching his animals perform against Christians. 

Cheneyus was personally squat and flabby and near-sighted.  As a young man he had been refused a commission in the army because he was considered unfit.  Nevertheless, he viewed himself as a sportsman. His favorite activity was hunting in the animal park that his corporation maintained outside Rome. One day on a hunting trip Caligula himself shot Cheneyus in the ear with an arrow. It is said the emperor first cried then laughed hysterically over the fatal incident.  Under Roman law all of Cheneyus’ assets reverted to the state and Cruelito became Calugula’s ward.

            According to the researcher, the final entry in Cheney’s autobiography was “dura lex, sed lex” (the law is harsh, but it is the law).

Edio C. Bergerissimus is an artist, lawyer, ex-CIA agent, and former director of Senate research and committee staff in a state larger than Umbria.